Low Flying Objects

So they're saying that this year's NBA Slam Dunk Contest was the best ever. It certainly was impressive. Gerald Green set a cupcake and candle on the back of the rim, lit the candle, jumped up, blew out the candle and dunked. That, of course, is the dunk I've been training to do, so, thank you Mr. Green, now I have to think of something else. That was followed by Dwight Howard donning a Superman cape and flying so high above the basket he was able to throw the ball down through the hoop. He received a perfect score of 50--five 10s--for that dunk. Next year, to get a 50, he'll have to do the same dunk, but while catching a bullet in his teeth.

That's the thing about the Slam Dunk competition--I can't decide if it's inspiring or intimidating. Does it make me want to lace up my shoes, get out there and try to emulate what I've just seen? Or does it make me want to burn my shoes and sell my basketball hoop for scrap metal? Perhaps what I need is a competition for some of the NBA's more earthbound athletes. An NBA Lay-Up Contest.

Magic Johnson: "First up is the 12th man on the Toronto Raptors ... Dribbling up to the basket with his right hand ... he switches the ball to his left and lays it up left-handed!"
Charles Barkley: "A left-handed lay-up. Very nice. And I understand he's naturally right handed."
Magic: "You're kidding. Wow. That is impressive. Very fundamentally sound. I hope you kids are watching. What do our judges say?"
Charles: "Looks like Danny Ainge gave him an eight, Kevin McHale gave him a nine, and Bob Cousy, one of the great lay-up artists of all time ... he only gave him a seven."
Magic: "Well, Bob's seen some great lay-ups in his day."
Charles: "That's true... What do we have now? Our next contestant, he trots out onto the floor--he's in a Superman costume. He's got the cape and everything."
Magic: "What's he doing now? He's removing the cape ... he's putting on a suit. A three-piece suit. He's changing into Clark Kent. Unbelievable. We've got Clark Kent in the building."
Charles: "He's even putting on a tie. What is that, is that a Windsor knot he's making in that tie?"
Magic: "I believe it is. It's a nice one, too. Very tight. So Clark Kent takes the ball, he dribbles and goes UNDERNEATH the basket, flips the ball back over his head--a REVERSE lay-up."
Charles: "A reverse lay-up. In a suit and tie. Even Bob Cousy's got to give him props for that one."
Magic: "Amazing. We've had a left-handed lay-up. A reverse lay-up--"
Charles: "In a suit and tie."
Magic: "In a suit and tie. What do we have now? Our next contestant--oh, my God, he's white. He's incredibly white."
Charles: "One of the whitest men I've ever seen. He is actually the color of snow. When you're that white, can you even get off the ground? Can you actually even jump?"
Magic: "He doesn't jump so much, it's actually more of a hop."
Charles: "What's he gonna do? He's got a birthday cake ... What's he doing with that cake?"
Magic: "He's setting it on the floor ... Oh my God, he's going to jump--or, I guess, hop--over the birthday cake before he lays the ball in."
Charles: "Whoa. I hope he knows what he's doing. Wait a minute, what's this, what's happening? It looks like ... He's putting in candles--he's lighting the candles!"
Magic: "That means he's going to have to hop over the cake and the candles ... "
Charles: "If he doesn't clear those candles, he could set his shoes on fire."
Magic: "That must be why ... yes ... He's got Steve Nash standing by with a fire extinguisher."
Charles: "Here he comes, nice dribble ... He hops--OVER THE CAKE. HE HAS CLEARED THE CAKE."
Magic: "I don't think he cleared the candles, though. He's got a shoelace ... on his left foot ... It caught on fire!"
Charles: "Steve! Get over there with that fire extinguisher."
Magic: "They got it. They got it."
Charles: "But still. He cleared the cake. And that wasn't no one-layer sheet cake. That thing has two layers. With frosting in between."
Magic: "That's right. He hopped over the cake ... Did he make the lay-up?"
Charles: "Who knows? When you've got a man that white hopping over an entire cake, you're not watching the ball."
Magic: "I've got to say, Charles, this was the best Lay-Up competition we've ever had."
Charles: "Yes indeed. And by the way--the cake is delicious."